AT A GLANCE: A couple
of weeks ago alert reader Ordeith pointed out a
Norwegian language Quake2 map page by a crazed
lunatic only known as "Kjartan". There are a half
dozen or so bits of binary fecal matter presented
on his page that all deserve our attention here, and
I am at a loss as to how to approach describing his
work - to make one long multi-page post covering his
range of design styles, or to attack the job piecemeal,
picking each level apart like one dissects a formaldehyde
preserved set of internal organs. I chose the latter
if only because each and every one of his levels deserves
the highest amount of ridicule possible. A blanket
approach to reviewing them would not do his lack of
talent and judgment justice, as hideous choices of
textures, gut searing gobs of colored lights, and
ludicrous gameplay permeate each and every one of
his levels.
Kjartan likes to use neon
pink as a background for his web pages, and translated
this love for magenta into three-dimensional terms
with this
particular map... indeed all I can really remember
about the level was PINK LIGHTING and that it was
terribly uninteresting to play. It was only after
looking at the screenshots that I remembered just
what a galling experience it was.
DESCRIPTION:
Well, there isn't one. But if your Norwegian
is up to snuff, take a look at his page because he
burbles on about each and every one of the maps and
I'm sure it is quite entertaining to read. If
you can get a translation for me (no Babelfish
nonsense please) go ahead and email
it - there will be future reviews to use them
in.
THE
MAP: "CoolRed3"
is an apt demonstration of mankind's preference for
building up. It is a tall box with a smaller
box at the top and bottom with ledges and catwalks
running up the hideously textured sides. The texture
selection in this map is so atrocious that I thought
at first it had to have been on purpose... but I was
able to convince myself that Kjartan is just clueless
and thinks that it was cool. Weapons and items are
strewn here and there, and a teleport has been wedged
into a photo booth sized box plunked into one of the
corners. EVERYTHING is diffused with a sick, barf
bag neon pink light that brings neither of the terms
"cool" or "red" to mind... "gay
fuscia" maybe, but not "cool red".
The box on the floor has a block of gravity-defying,
free standing water texture than one can "swim
up" through to the roof. I can't remember what
is on the roof to warrant swimming up, but none the
less the structure is a major bot campsite for some
reason. Maybe they are trying to scrub off the smelly
pink light.
 |
|
Here we are given
a view inside of Satan's Office of Financial
Aid and Student Accounts. Take a number and
have a seat -- the Scum Bag will be right with
you.
|
The
box/structure stuck to the top of the other box is
a true gem of map design; textured with computer screen
faces and lit from below through missing sections
of the floor, it looks like someone's twisted vision
of where Student Loan officers work when they aren't
out fucking cows or calling to threaten my future.
Since there is no spawn point up there, however, you
have to scramble all the way up the sides to get at
whatever weapon he has stuck in the rafters (grenade
launcher, because grenades fall down I guess) and
then there is nothing to do except scuttle back down
like a crab since that's where all of the play is
centered. Pathetic.
GAMEPLAY:
Whatever - it's a one room Quake2 deathmatch
with a really high ceiling and too much Goddamn pink
light. One Eraser Bot wasn't enough and two was too
many... you get the picture. I think.
FUN
FACTOR: I dunno. I guess if you don't expect much
out of a game except jumping up and down like a retard
and shooting things AND have a fondness for neon pink
this may be the map for you.
THE
BOTTOM LINE: I am starting to worry about our
Norwegian friends. With such luminaries as Kjartan
and the unforgettable Erling Ellingston (creator of
the smash RPG hit Era
Online) I start to wonder why those people can't
do anything that doesn't seem silly and pointless.
Too much salted fish maybe.
-
Squonkamatic
for the People!!
